So it's been a few months since my last check up. It has been a very hectic few months. Winter is generally the time where I am the least visible when it comes to socializing. However, there have been more factors lately that have only made me more anti-social.
I don't often speak of the troubles I sometimes face with anxiety and especially social anxiety. It's not generally anything to advertise or boast about. Frankly, it is nothing more than a giant pain in the ass. It makes me cranky (just ask the wife) and want to hide from the rest of the world...at least until spring.
I've been in a rut since early last fall - right after the knee surgery to be exact. The idle down time was obviously good for recovery but hard on the mind. Other factors slowly crept in and over the course of six months, it has been challenging to get back on the horse and ride. I've gained weight and lost the strength and endurance I previously had prior to the surgery. Those are hard on the ol' ego. These things among others that need not be shared weight heavily on an already frayed and tattered mind.
I reflect back in effort to try and find the source of the angst but unfortunately it had not been so easy to pinpoint. It seems to be a cocktail of sorts that consist of a variety of ingredients feeding the anxiety monster. However, I wonder if there isn't something underlying that I am missing. Perhaps.
I have everything else I could ever hope for - a beautiful and amazing wife; sweet, loving pets; a home that we are building together; a very loving and supportive network of friends and family. So what the fuck is missing?
I am my own worst critic and am by far harder on myself than anyone I associate with. I have a tinge of jealousy for those of you who truly love your jobs because that seems to be the primary source of my angst at the moment. I feel as though I failed to follow my dreams and become the person I wanted to be as far as employment and professional direction goes. There was music, writing, and all the creative potential in the world, and sometimes I feel like I let it all go to the wayside by giving up on myself and most importantly my dreams.
It is not about the money - it never was. Unfortunately, responsibility comes with a cost as we age. Over time - sacrifices are made. Paths are diverted or changed completed followed by identity. The interesting thing when reflecting is I would not go back and change a minute of it because that would change who I am today. I like who I am today so much better than ever before and can only hope that appreciation will continue to grow.
In my weird therapeutic methodology, I have been watching the Six Feet Under series again. In my opinion, it is one of the best television shows of all time - quite possibly the best. It definitely helps put the whole life/death and all things in between into perspective, but mostly it reminds me of how short life truly is and how important it is to enjoy the ride while it lasts. It also makes me miss the Fishers in a weird way. Once a year, I will sit down and roll through the entire series in effort to keep that mindset....the life is short not the I miss the Fishers. Besides, I like Peter Krause better as Nate Fisher than Adam Braverman on Parenthood. Good show, though.
Enough about me. Go buy a copy of Six Feet Under in its entirety.