So I have mentioned a few times about this project of mine that I have in the works. I know what you are all thinking - I am one of THOSE people. Start shit and not always finish. Well, there is half truth in that. It is one of the less finer qualities I tend to possess.
As I grow older - I find myself having a hard time accepting that there is simply not enough hours in the day nor days in the week to do everything I want to do on a regular basis. However, there is a fine line between not having enough time and not making the commitment to allot more time. I may wake up with the best intentions to start and/or finish something, but over the course of the day - those intentions fall into the great abyss.
There is also the mind game I play when it comes to time management. If I do X tonight, then I will have to sacrifice Y & Z so-to-speak. Usually Y & Z involve spending quality time with my wife & puppy. It's hard to say no to such beautiful creatures.
Lastly, there are the moments and days when I cannot find the motivation to do a damn thing. Historically speaking, it seems as though Sunday is the most common day this motivation suckage occurs.
One day soon - I will launch the Wordpress photo project. One day I will give this filthy blog the love it deserves. One day soon - I will spank, punish, and seize each and every day.
Some days I have a strong urge to write but the brain is dry. Some days I have an abundance of thoughts and topics I wish to write about but have zero time to do so. Some days - I say fuck it, sneak online, and write as much as I can. Believe it or not - it pains me to leave my imaginary blog friend sitting idle for long periods of time especially when ideas are fresh in the brain. Regardless - here I am back with more shenanigans and mayhem.
I started utilizing the in-house gym at my place of employment, which is nice. I shit canned my gym membership some time ago and decided I would never pay for a gym again. My new employer has a small yet substantial gym on the 2nd floor, which enables me to return to my somewhat daily gym routine. I like free gyms. Let's be honest - I am a huge fan of all things free.
In the gym, there are three flats screen televisions. Two of those units are set to standard channels, and one is set to ESPN. The two standard channels are usually airing the news when I hit the gym, which can be good and bad. The good - I am now more up-to-date on what's happening in the world today. The bad - I get to see double the coverage on the same depressing stories each day I go to the gym. The ugly - the glorification of people/places/things that should not be glorified.
Case in point (and somewhat outdated now) - the George Zimmerman domestic abuse case. This dude has milked the media cow enough with the whole Trayvon Martin killing and trial. He does not need to be glorified anymore than he already has been. I don't speak out much about my thoughts on these high profile incidents if you will simply because I have no tolerance or patience to fight with the ignorant. However, I do believe that there is ALWAYS more than meets the media eye and attempt to remain unbiased and neutral at all times. It would be excellent if the media could follow the same protocol, but that is unrealistic considering who the big media conglomerates are. For the record - George Zimmerman seems like a mecha douche.
It is hard to believe that there is not more to report on considering all that occurs in the world within a twenty-four hour period. Right now - the majority of news (during my forty-five minutes of treadmill shame) consist of the government shutdown. Every morning of every weekday.... blah blah and blah blah blah and blame Obama for everything blah blah blickity blah. Nope - I'll have none of it and believe none of it because I get all my new from The Onion. Totally legitimate source.
At any rate - I suppose the format will never change as it has been this way for decades. There are times where lulls in bullshit media exist and stories of panda bears and puppies flood the morning news. However, those are few and far between compared to the depressing, pro-suicide stories that are on repeat for a good week or two. This, my friends, is one of many reasons why I no longer subscribe to cable television......or own a firearm.
Now for something completely irrelevant yet uplifting....a dog that sounds a bit like Chewbacca. Enjoy and stay tuned for more amazing posts.....I promise.
Perhaps it is a part of growing older or perhaps it just part of getting caught up in the monotonous, daily grind. Either way - the fear of Sloth.
Cute but nope.
Nope.
Winner.
I often reflect back and remember all the things I used to enjoy doing on a consistent basis - endless hours of bicycling, playing guitar, gaming, listening to music, and so on. Granted I was able to engage in more of these activities throughout my youth . Time was not a factor and responsibilities were minimal. There were no pressing full-time job requirements or demanding relationships. The fact that there just aren't enough hours in the day nor days in the week to keep up with all the things I truly loved and enjoyed doing as a child or even teenager is probably one of the more frustrating aspects of adulthood. Even the most active adults sometime tend to become temporarily inactive or lazy if you will at times - simply because the mental strain and stress of everyday life sucks away every ounce of extra energy. I can recall many days where I had the drive and energy to engage in some form of activity once freed from the constraints of employment. By the end of the day - that drive and energy level was long gone.
Each year - I tell myself I will do more of this, this, and that. Each year - time seems to go by faster and faster, and the opportunity to do more of this, this, and that slips away. I find myself lounging on the couch more and more, which drives me absolutely crazy. I have gained weight that seems impossible as fuck to lose. I have let so much idle time slip by over the past decade - time that I could have utilized more efficiently. Time I will never get back. Working in a high stress/low morale environment only exacerbated the sloth. Thankfully, that chapter of my life is over.
So what comes next?
De-programming for one - freeing the mind from the must work at breakneck speed under extreme stress mentality. Learning how to breathe again - taking in all the beauty and wonderment of the world in without attempting to multi-task or think about anything else. There are so many creative outlets - writing, playing music, creating music, and sharing it through various technological mediums.
My brain is in a constant state of creative motion. The idea bulb is flickering as projects are born in my mind. There is one project in particular that I am extremely excited and passionate about doing. Something fresh and new that will be visible for the world to see. Something that will inspire me to get off the couch and explore the world outside.
So...I caved. I did it. I finally gave in and created a Twitter account. What the fwap was I thinking? I have no superior response other than it's always good to learn new things. Twitter isn't exactly new, but I am a stubborn. I am a Taurus.
It took me a brief moment to figure the whole hash tag thing out. I see how it is abused daily on just about every other social networking on media site. I try not to abuse it, but sometimes I go #hashtag #apeshit. See. It just happens uncontrollably.
I have been working to get re-connected again and do the things that I now have capacity and energy for such as writing, reading, and Twittering. Twitter patter. What a bizarre word - Twitter. The poor folks at Yelp thought I had abandoned ship. I rather enjoy writing reviews on Yelp, but unfortunately it is yet another hobby that has taken a back seat for a while. The same applies to this here Blogger Bloggity Blog - another bizarro word. Blog.
It is not that these things require oodles of time to maintain - it has to do with mental capacity. Hard to write when you don't feel like doing anything whatsoever. This is what happens when unhappiness takes a stronghold. That place...that evil, evil place was sucking every ounce of happiness from me one day - one hour at a time.
At any rate - I feel the drive to be more creative using multiple outlets so brace yourself. If you like to Yelp, Twit, or drink and feel the need to post it via a(nother) social networking app...feel free to follow me and my various online personalities at the following hot spots:
The infamous month of Pride came and went in a blur of rainbows, smudged make-up, and remnants of glitter. This year marked a new beginning for Pridfest STL - new location, major corporate sponsors, and more local and national celebrity entertainment. When Pride St. Louis, Inc. announced the new location of the event - Soldier's Memorial, I would be willing to say that at least fifty percent of the community had a downright shit fit. It created a rift within the community and spawned a separate movement devoted to keeping the festival in Tower Grove Park. There were arguments and bickering via social networks and virtual social environments between those who agreed with the move and those who were anti-downtown.
Shortly thereafter, the folks at Pride St. Louis made two other announcements - the names of the major corporate sponsors (Monsanto & Bud Light) and the highly debated no pets mandate. The whole Monsanto thing seemed to convince folks that PSTL had sold out to the evils of corporate 'Merica! Sure - but without the big fat donations from said evils - the entertainment budget (among others) would greatly suffer. They gave you Andy Bell as a headliner for Christmas sake! Anyways, the whole no pet rule instigated more controversy - especially amongst those who were already anti-downtown. I was a bit miffed and torn on this one. Here's why: It's generally hot as a camel's crack, crowded, and hectic. I get that people love their dogs and want to take them everywhere they go, but there are times where owners need to step back and ask themselves - will my dog truly enjoy this experience with absolutely no discomfort or harm? I know that my pup would rather stay home in the air conditioning.
As Pride season neared, the community began to stir. Social planning and preparations went into high gear. Questions were raised - are you going and if so what days/times? white party - yay or nay? what time is the parade? can I borrow that rainbow leotard again? This year the buzz really blew up after the Supreme Court ruling on DOMA and Prop 8. That night - the party officially began. It was a great night to celebrate and a fantastic way to kick off Pride weekend. At that point, I became oblivious to the venue debate. I was committed to being a part of it all and focused on keeping an open mind. I wasn't truly sure what to expect but decided to embrace the change and roll with it. After all, it is Pride, and it only comes around once a year. A lot can change in a year...
Hello children. Seems as though it has been a while since my last therapy session.
The big story today....well apparently there are a couple - the crushing blow to the Voting Rights Act and the Wendy Davis vs. the evil, swingin' dicks of Texas. Tomorrow the focus shifts back to SCOTUS as they potentially decide what to do with Prop 8 and DOMA. It is a restless night for those of us who are directly impacted. The decision of whether or not these two monstrosities are deemed unconstitutional is expected to be made in a few short hours.
The trend is now moving in the right direction as laws are passed and more states jump on the ol' marriage equality bandwagon. It is a great sight to see, but it doesn't bring as much hope to those of us who reside in one if the many states that still maintain an outright ban on same-sex marriage. Ye of little faith expects no action anytime soon in my now home state of Missourah. The good ol' boys are still fighting the not-so-good fight against progress.
That is why we - the residents of such states - need something big. A case powerful enough to climb the judicial mountain all the way to the top. Enter Edith Windsor...our hero. Go check the documentary about Edie and her lifelong partner, Thea Spyer, entitled Edie & Thea: A Very Long Engagement. Their relationship and story is the driver behind tomorrow's hearing.
At any rate, PM is rolling into AM. I am being told to go to bed by my loving wife. Tis' best to heed her advice if you dig my scene. Over the past few months, the push for being pro-marriage equality has exploded across the world of social networking sparking the red equality sign imagery on various profiles and pages. I leave you with some of the more comical and entertaining images found via the fancy world wide interwebs.
So it's been a few months since my last check up. It has been a very hectic few months. Winter is generally the time where I am the least visible when it comes to socializing. However, there have been more factors lately that have only made me more anti-social.
I don't often speak of the troubles I sometimes face with anxiety and especially social anxiety. It's not generally anything to advertise or boast about. Frankly, it is nothing more than a giant pain in the ass. It makes me cranky (just ask the wife) and want to hide from the rest of the world...at least until spring.
I've been in a rut since early last fall - right after the knee surgery to be exact. The idle down time was obviously good for recovery but hard on the mind. Other factors slowly crept in and over the course of six months, it has been challenging to get back on the horse and ride. I've gained weight and lost the strength and endurance I previously had prior to the surgery. Those are hard on the ol' ego. These things among others that need not be shared weight heavily on an already frayed and tattered mind.
I reflect back in effort to try and find the source of the angst but unfortunately it had not been so easy to pinpoint. It seems to be a cocktail of sorts that consist of a variety of ingredients feeding the anxiety monster. However, I wonder if there isn't something underlying that I am missing. Perhaps.
I have everything else I could ever hope for - a beautiful and amazing wife; sweet, loving pets; a home that we are building together; a very loving and supportive network of friends and family. So what the fuck is missing?
I am my own worst critic and am by far harder on myself than anyone I associate with. I have a tinge of jealousy for those of you who truly love your jobs because that seems to be the primary source of my angst at the moment. I feel as though I failed to follow my dreams and become the person I wanted to be as far as employment and professional direction goes. There was music, writing, and all the creative potential in the world, and sometimes I feel like I let it all go to the wayside by giving up on myself and most importantly my dreams.
It is not about the money - it never was. Unfortunately, responsibility comes with a cost as we age. Over time - sacrifices are made. Paths are diverted or changed completed followed by identity. The interesting thing when reflecting is I would not go back and change a minute of it because that would change who I am today. I like who I am today so much better than ever before and can only hope that appreciation will continue to grow.
In my weird therapeutic methodology, I have been watching the Six Feet Under series again. In my opinion, it is one of the best television shows of all time - quite possibly the best. It definitely helps put the whole life/death and all things in between into perspective, but mostly it reminds me of how short life truly is and how important it is to enjoy the ride while it lasts. It also makes me miss the Fishers in a weird way. Once a year, I will sit down and roll through the entire series in effort to keep that mindset....the life is short not the I miss the Fishers. Besides, I like Peter Krause better as Nate Fisher than Adam Braverman on Parenthood. Good show, though.
Enough about me. Go buy a copy of Six Feet Under in its entirety.
